Posted by Alexander Martin in Alexander Martin, UncategorizedYou can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
“Green-Yellow-Red” is among the many idiot-resistant conventions in the Marine Corps. It’s used all the time (tactically and otherwise) as a quick barometer: “yes, maybe, no way-Jose”. After an infantry squad culminates on an objective, a rifleman who’s out of ammo would be “red.” In AIRBORNE operations, a jumper will be “green” before exit. In flight operations, if air is “yellow” it might be a lower visibility day (if air is “red” it might be a golf day). In the Base Combat Group’s admin office, an inappropriate pass by a male Corporal to a female Corporal, would be “red.” A dude-to-dude “good game” pat on the butt after a long ops-intel brief would be green (a squeeze, or cupped hand on the cheek, red); close talkers, always yellow.
Keep your eye on the close talkers…
I like this system in the Marine Corps. Everyone has a pretty good feel for it, I think. Lets everyone know where you stand. We’re either jumping out of the airplane, or we’re not, or maybe we will or maybe we won’t. Who knows? Who cares? The colors do the thinking for me. I’m just going to stand here…
The idea of using the ‘green-yellow-red’ metric outside of the Marine Corps and as an instrument of social science is not my own (most good ideas aren’t); the credit belongs to a legendary intelligence officer (anonymously cited here as he is a man of great influence, respect and class and my contribution to this column is one of little of all those things) who brought up a series of topics over a series of meals and cigars and marathon debates across a series of seas and oceans and deserts with a central question: can you or can’t you?
What started as coffee time banter evolved into great speech-making. Alliances were formed quickly in ante-bellum fashion along the most interesting, revealing and divisive man-question of them all: Who would you rather be – Indiana Jones, or James Bond? Lines were drawn, promises made, and friendships won and lost over matters as important as: Can a grown man eat an ice cream cone? (No.) What is the maximum age a man can no longer wear a professional sports jersey in public? (16.) What is the maximum age a guy can have a roommate? (30.) Bond is cooler than Jones, Pitt hotter than Cruise, Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr. uglier than them all, et al.
We passionately made our cases and did not advance to another topic until the majority decided: “you can” or “you can’t.” We fought like zealous members of Congress arguing over Health Care, only less paid and more sober.
Many of these deliberations ended concretely. Others, we found, required a conditional solution: If you are taking your son to a baseball game, then you can wear the jersey of another grown man. If you are older than 30 but living in a really expensive place in say Manhattan, San Francisco, London, or Tokyo, then you can have a roommate…It’s never ok to eat ice cream on a cone.
A man’s decision making is guided by these two questions: 1. Will doing this make me look a girl? and 2. Will doing this make me look like a jerk?
The desired end-state with both is the same:
To behave like the man your father raised you to be without acting like the man you’re mother married and sometimes couldn’t stand.
And so tonight while on ship in the Wardroom (and by the coffee maker, and on the smoking deck and in the gym) I revisited these sort of questions with my fellow Officers and Staff NCO’s (we’re a pretty good sample of “the American male”) and arrived at some conclusions. Some green. Some red. Others conditionally, yellow…
NOTE: If you are now or have ever been a member of the military, or have ever played competitive sports, you get a pass on something that would otherwise be red; you get an “extra life.” If you are the author of this article and get to make up the rules as you go along, you get two extra lives…or three or four.
The design of tonight’s great debate was in the conventional “case-judgment-explanation” format. And the discussion went something like this…
- Driving a Miata, a Beetle or a SmartCar. RED. The Beetle has a flower holder. The Miata was described in a 1993 Car & Driver as being “the most adorable sports car on the road.” The SmartCar, seriously? Can you even fit in that thing?
- Waxing your back. GREEN. Got some hair on your chest, she’ll call you a man. Got a lot of hair on your back, she’ll call you grandpa.
- Waxing your chest. RED. ***Extra Life*** (1stsgt). If you’re an athlete and it makes sense, good to go. Here I’d add – if not, trimming’s good, but as a general rule of thumb: a man should let a woman be the soft, pretty one in the relationship.
- Eating an ice cream cone. RED. I almost used one of my extra lives here, though most men agree: We can’t take you seriously while you’re smiling (everyone does when they eat ice cream), licking frozen cream from a cone of candied waffle. This is ridiculous. (And also, delicious.) Think of some of the more rugged men in contemporary American culture. Take, Clint Eastwood. Now put a big smile on his face, an ice cream cone in his hand, maybe he’s licking that little bit that just dripped on his thumb. See what I mean? Ever seen a head of state eat an ice cream cone? How about a General or the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Or a police officer or a fire fighter? Kinda takes away the mystique.
- Romantic comedies. RED. ***Extra Life*** (the author) There have been worse guilty pleasures admitted to…
- 80s love ballads. YELLOW. The Richard Marx Camp, RED. BUT, if you’re a hard core 80s rock and roll band, bring on the love ballad interlude.
- American Idol. RED. ***Extra Life*** (anonymous officer) And after spending the last five years in Iraq, you can love American Idol too…
- The popped collar. RED. Unless you’re sailing and it’s keeping the sun off your neck, put your collar down brother.
- The names “Elvio”, “Edrie” or “Ponce”. RED. Most states allow one legal name change, get one.
- Hacky Sack. RED. One of those rare times when you look like a girl and a jerk. I don’t care how much fun it is, grab a Frisbee, or a baseball glove, or a football. A bunch of guys standing around kicking a Hacky Sack…I can’t deal…
- Cosmos. RED. It’s pink. You’re a man. Drink whiskey.
- Knowing anything about Hollywood gossip you didn’t hear from your wife, girlfriend or your mother. RED. It is okay that we like to know what’s going on, just better we hear it from them.
- Untucked shiny dress shirts. RED. The untucked shirt in a casual setting, fine. Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones himself) reminds us this much is true. But the wear of the shiny, appallingly patterned, untucked dress shirt has got to stop. What’ll be man’s next fashion misstep? Leaving our flies down? Maybe socks, no shoes? Hey buddy, you look like a goofball. You’re drinking a twenty dollar martini, your beautiful date’s wearing an $800 Dona Karan dress, tuck in your shirt.
- Using the elliptical machine. YELLOW. Admittedly you don’t feel very masculine using it, but when your knees are broke down from the previous day’s workout, it’s a great low-impact option. Just don’t make it an everyday event.
- Wine tasting. GREEN. Here’s a chance to get outside your comfort zone, drink at a more adult pace, and learn something. We’re all very impressed you can tell me what’s in your Coors Light, or how a Guinness is made – but there’s nothing better than matching a great wine with a great meal – or better yet, a great memory.
- Cuddling. GREEN. Everyone agreed, you have to do it. It’s one of those intimacy things that women need, and men should provide. Though be warned, cuddling is like Iraq. No exit strategy and you’re stuck in bed when you don’t want to be anymore. Your foot starts falling asleep, your mind wanders, and then you get in trouble for not paying attention.
- Small dogs. RED. ***Extra Life*** (the author) Everyone was against the small dog. I seem to be the only guy that thinks having a chill, fat, black pug named Little Buddha as my drinking buddy would be awesome.
- Writing XOXO or LOL in an email. RED. Leave the cute shorthand for her. I’ve written them before, we all have, and I’m not sure if X or O is hug or kiss, but I do remember what my lawyer told me a few years ago: don’t say or write anything you wouldn’t want to read credited to you on the front page of the New York Times. XOXO or LOL, (and actually probably some of the content of this article) no, I just could not handle that.
- Rollerblading. RED. ***Extra Life*** (another nameless O) “I know what you’re thinking, but rollerblading is actually a really, really good cardio workout. It’s a great way to get outdoors and get your heart-rate up. Just make sure to wear all of the appropriate protective equipment: knee and elbow pads, helmet, eye protection, I even wear wrist guards, just in case. I’ve actually joined an under-40 men’s rollerblading club. It’s pretty sweet.”
- Ordering a latte. YELLOW. My last unit’s Judge found ordering a latte RED. “Just say it out loud the next time you’re in a long line at a coffee shop between two gorgeous women and tell me you don’t feel just a little awkward.” Our Air O’s response was right on the mark: “No way man, there’s no way it’s red. The only thing better than a good latte is a perfect cappuccino, and do you know how hard those things are to find? The latte is GREEN.”
- Choreographed dances. RED. I once saw a group of guys at Texas A&M do a rehearsed line dance. They were authentic cowboys, drank Shiner Bock beer, and tipped there hat when they introduced themselves to a girl. All very cool for a kid from southern California. But rehearsing moves to Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around Comes Around”, let’s use the rehearsal time to work on our manners fellas.
- Leather man-sandals with the back. RED. You’re not in the Roman Legion. If you want backs on your leather sandals, get a pair of shoes.
- Jean shorts. RED. I liked Charles in Charge, Magnum P.I., MacGyver and Married with Children as much as the next guy. But those shows are dead now. And so are the jean shorts we used to watch them in.
- Jager shots past 25. RED. It’s not that shooting Jager makes you act like a jerk (it does), it just that ordering them (and going through the whole look around-make everyone else take them with you) makes you look like a jerk. You’re a grown man now. If you want to get hammered drunk, take your time, do it deliberately, and without all the noise.
- Wearing a scarf. RED. ***(Extra Life)*** (Capt Meno) “Some guys use scarves to stay warm – that’s cool and all – I like my scarves to express who I am, on the inside. I use them to spice up an outfit. It just gives me that extra “pow”, chicks dig it, and sometimes when we’re dancing they hold one side in each hand as I run my hands through their hair like in some really cool 80s movie.”
- Gamers. RED. ***(Extra Life)*** (MSgt Pine) “Depends on the game…”
- Sudoku. GREEN. If you ever been stuck in Kuwait or any airport anywhere…
- Ordering ridiculous shots like an “Orgasm”, “Sex on the Beach” or anything else you wouldn’t order in front of your father or any other man with a straight face. RED. You want a shot? Be a man. Go tequila. Go Jack Daniels. Leave the Buttery Nipples for the bachelorette party.
- Male cheerleaders. YELLOW. They seem to be a really important part of the whole thing there, but this is a close one. Is it me, or would this just a hard thing to tell your son?
- Tofu. RED. Only if it’s by accident, or you didn’t know it was tofu when you ate it.
- Duvet Covers. YELLOW. We weren’t sure what this was, and we probably all have them, but it just sounded ridiculous and we all laughed when it was said.
- Being a vegan. RED. Though Benjamin Zephaniah’s latest collection of 22 poems dedicated to “the caring, dedicated vegans who will not stand for any exploitation whatever the species” was heart-warming, I’m just not ready to come over.
And more RED. Maroon 5. Telling a fraternity story at a dinner party. Talking with your mouth full. Not observing the one-urinal away rule. Mouth breathing. Talking on your cell phone while in a bathroom stall taking a #2 or at a grocery store check-out counter or pretty much anywhere I can hear everything you’re saying and had a reasonable expectation of not having to; texting while in the middle of a conversation; vanity plates; watches that are too small; musicals; working out with a mouth piece; watches that are too big; ice skating (unless you’re bad and trying to get a girl, or good and used to play hockey); using the flight attendant call button; capri pants; tongue rings; tapered jeans; painted nails; rings on your thumbs; spandex; colored contacts; Rep Jane Harmon on “how to win in Afghanistan”. And knowing all the words to Grease. RED. RED. FIRE ENGINE, RED!
And there’s more – more green, more red, always more yellow – but that’s for you to decide. Me, I’m happy chilling with Little Buddha, half-drunk on good wine, licking ice cream off my hand, watching Love Actually.
I guess every man has his extra lives for the same reason: to let him enjoy a guilty smile while Mr. Tough-guy gets a breather. Just don’t rest too long, the dude in the shiny shirt is always on offense.
Posted by Alexander Martin in Alexander Martin, UncategorizedYou can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
30 Responses to “Green. Yellow. Red.”
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- Driving a Miata, a Beetle or a SmartCar. RED
I know a thirty-year retired USMC Colonel who drove a GREEN beetle. When he decided to take his family on an unaccompanied tour to Okinawa the GREEN Beetle went into storage in the Mojave Desert. The unaccompanied tour went from one year to two years. Four years later that GREEN Beetle was driven at Kaneohe MCAS. The GREEN Beetle did not do well when it rained so the Colonel’s oldest son was pulled out of bed and required to push the GREEN Beetle past the General’s houses until the GREEN Beetle started.
This post is just plain silly and based on subjectivism and arbitrary whims.
April 9th, 2010 at 12:24 pmThat is some fine guidance. By and large, reasonable enough. Some issues, though. General Krulak swore by rollerblading, by the way. Hmmm…..
1. Back Hair: Had it since I was about 13. Live with it. If you wear it proudly, there is a certain Australopithecus charm to you.
2. Man-sandals are a necessity for stinky feet. And bunions.
3. Good middle ground on the male cheerleader thing. Served with one at Parris Island. SgtMaj never let him live it down. But said he got more skirt than one could believe.
April 9th, 2010 at 12:59 pmHehehe. Will incorporate this into the repository.
Somehow using the phrase “Manlaws” just seems a little yellow to me.
Bubba Rules was marginally adequate.
April 9th, 2010 at 1:16 pmSo much win!
EXCEPT:
“LOL” is red for those who were in their 20s when the internet was taking off. For those of us who were not yet/barely teens at that time. It is part of the vernacular.
There is NOTHING red about ordering espresso diluted in milk. It is more green than ordering coffee, as it is more strong.
Gamers are not red, its green. Unless it is D&D or LADR (look it up on youtube, funny stuff). Playing HALO and then trash talking after an epic game of capture the flag… ‘Nuff said.
I am past 25, and still drink jager, just as a jager-bomb. And never more than 5 in an evening.
Lastly, I didn’t even know anyone still owned roller blades.
April 9th, 2010 at 2:10 pmOh, and fried tofu is awesome. Order it at Bardo in the Ghent neighborhood in Norfolk, or just about any Thai restaurant.
April 9th, 2010 at 2:17 pmCan’t agree with the ice cream cone “red zone”. Also the firefighter rationale. After a busy day at the station I’d order the 100′ ladder truck with my crew of 4 firefighters to the local Baskin Robins for cones all around on the good Lt. Lots of little kids want to look at the truck, and most of them have mommies with them. So eating a cone next to a 18 ton fire truck is GREEN!
April 9th, 2010 at 2:39 pmYeah, some funny sh.., er, stuff here. I would add Mini Coopers to the red flagged cars. I agree gaming should be reflagged to green. Male cheerleaders, red. Butt slapping under any circumstances: red. Wine tasting : yellow for the sheer pomposity. Elliptical trainers should go green: knee surgery is not fun, plus it’s a great warmup for weightlifting. Leather man sandals: red only if worn with white socks, green otherwise. If you are dating a Vegan, prepare to be one (only in their presence of course): yellow. Duvet? Is that like a bidet?
April 9th, 2010 at 2:59 pmI got three small dogs. Don’t dis my dogs. I like my dogs. I gladly burned my man card when I got the little ankle biters. Then again, look up “Maltese” in google, you’ll find them described as a “brave and noble dog” who guarded the granaries of the rich as far back as Egypt and Rome. And no, none of them have that silly damn long hair. They are fun-loving rat killers, not foo foo dogs.
April 9th, 2010 at 3:22 pmHey, as long as you don’t carry the dogs around in a shoulder bag, I’m cool with that. On the subject of (european) shoulder bags i.e. manpurse: red.
April 9th, 2010 at 3:26 pmSublime wisdom here.
April 9th, 2010 at 3:52 pmNo, I walk my dogs on a leash
Now when they were puppies, the wife got a puppy stroller. Told her no way this side of hell was I pushing that thing!
Yeah, manpurse, real red
April 9th, 2010 at 6:57 pmGentlemen – all very good points. I wish you were present with us for these great debates. But for now, I appreciate this virtual wardroom exchange. Remember, extra lives are yours. Use them as you must, and be resolute and steadfast in your defense. Beetles can be green. Same with ice cream, video games, baseball jerseys, lattes, and man sandals. “Green-yellow-red” is a simple social convention designed to stir argument and assist in making life’s less serious decisions…but mostly just to pass the time in places like Ramadi, Kabul, at sea or in the office…
And yes, Mr. Wilmes, this article is subjective. Many things in life worth a damn or a good talk (things like politics, falling in love, or calling tactics) are…
Which leads me to my last point, and this (in all seriousness) I find an absolute: life’s so much harder (and impossibly unfun) without a sense of humor, so as for being silly and based on whims – guilty as charged.
April 9th, 2010 at 7:32 pmWhere is my early 1980′s copy of “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche?”
April 9th, 2010 at 7:45 pmYou left out the most important one. Wasting time making up lists of what eccentricities are red/yellow/or green. Always….RED.
It must be a Marine thing, I will never understand.
Don’t feel the least tiny bit negative about that either.
Real men do what they do the way they do it to suit themselves.
Devil take the hindmost.
Cheers!
April 10th, 2010 at 1:22 amSnap!
Grandpa Bluewater, well played.
In my defense: Extra life, the author.
April 10th, 2010 at 1:44 amAwesome list.
Have to add a convertible SAAB to the red list. Bought one for my wife and as I was driving it, Air Supply came on the radio. I called her and told her I’ve never felt more ghey, and I’m never driving her car again.
Green on the Black Pug. Have one, BlackJack. Awesome Drinking partner and good all around dog.
Hair Jell..RED. Eyebrow wax. Red. Unless your name is KELSO. Then Green all the way. Think the man used them as sunglasses.
April 10th, 2010 at 6:15 pmGreat Job.
Woman driving any Volvo: Green
Man driving a Volvo who isn’t an Associate Professor of Something: Red
Baseball games played on real grass with wood bats: Green Aluminum bats: Red
Ice hockey: Green, eh?
Going to “Boxing Training” in a Fern Gym: RED
Training in a real boxing gym (you’ll now one when you walk in) and lasting more than a week: as GREEN as it gets
Letting someone you’ve only dated once pick the movie at the video store: Yellow (depends on why you’re letting her)
Letting your wife pick out the movie: Green (you’re secure in your ability to tune it out if it sucks)
Thanks for the break from the more serious discussions!
April 10th, 2010 at 8:27 pmLicking ice cream from an ice cream cone? Discussed with the ladies, and I have to say it’s a definite green. Good training
April 11th, 2010 at 5:02 pmOkay, I need an umpiring call:
Talking to your German Shepherd in a silly voice in public. Not sissy voice, mind you. But sort of a goofy half-German half-English that the dog has grown to understand.
April 11th, 2010 at 8:28 pmUltimaREX – green! 1.)German Shepherds are some of the most dangerous (and by extension, manly) dogs in the world 2.)When it comes to controlling such an animal, the owner must do what works. 3.)If anyone makes fun of you, you can use that very same silly Anglo-German voice to unleash your animal to take that naysayer out.
April 11th, 2010 at 9:27 pmASM,
Good to know. So next time I yell “Magda, was ist mit die barken allen tag! Gott im Himmel!” and the neighbors laugh, I will tell them it is permitted under Man rules.
April 12th, 2010 at 10:49 amURR – yes you can otherwise “den hund ist los in dem bundespost”.
(or something to that effect – my pigeon German is a little Upgefucht – macht nichts)
April 12th, 2010 at 12:04 pm“Pitt hotter than Cruise”
RED
April 12th, 2010 at 2:03 pmURR, I’ve learned that dogs can remember a few words (sit, roll over, attack, stay), but it’s the tone of your voice that counts with them. If you are talking softly and smiling, the dog knows you’re happy with them. If you are agitated and angry (“Did you think I was going to be happy to see that big damn pile right in front of your dog door? I DON’T THINK SO!)they’ll understand that, too. When I want the little ankle biters to get outside so we can get them out from underfoor, I just wave my hands towards the door and say, “Out”, and out they go. It’s the tone, not the message.
April 12th, 2010 at 2:13 pmByron,
Oh yes. This fuzzy German of mine can read me like a book. They know many things we might not realize. I will open the doggie door and yell “‘RAUS!” And out she goes. But at least that is acceptable under man rules.
April 12th, 2010 at 2:43 pm“Git” works for me, too; mine are redneck little white fluffy dogs
April 12th, 2010 at 3:53 pmLists? We got lists now? I thought that real men, especially airdales, made it up as they went along….. IAO and all that.
Good discussions, though. As for that whole Jones V Bond thing, they are both pikers compared to Dirty Harry.
Man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
April 12th, 2010 at 9:37 pmThe dog is lost in the mail?
April 13th, 2010 at 3:11 amScott,
Close enough.
April 13th, 2010 at 8:28 am“Leests? We don’t need no steenking leests”
April 13th, 2010 at 9:25 am