Last year, I wrote a rather blunt assessment of the stresses that the Navy imposes on its sailors and challenges of being a Navy spouse. The response was overwhelmingly supportive, but in the end I felt that perhaps the article focused only on the negatives. On the whole, I thoroughly enjoyed my time “in the Navy,” and I think the way we survived, even thrived, was through a communications technique that we called the “Black Socks Rule”—as long as my husband still had his black (Navy uniform) socks on, we could talk about his work. After that, the focus was family. This gave him a chance to offload the worries of the day, gave me a chance to comment, and then gave us a stopping point to move on.

In the end, I would not trade the life of a Navy spouse for anything, but it does not define me. Looking back after six years in “retirement,” there are a few things that might be useful to the next generation of Navy spouses, so here are some of the “best practices” that we employed in hopes that they help others cope:

1. You are a team. I always wondered about some of my husband’s bosses’ and coworker’s responses when he shared what we had decided together, something like “Why would you talk about THAT with your wife?” Every decision made in and around your spouse’s career affects the entire family, and we made it a point to talk about everything—as long as the black socks were still on!
2. You don’t have rank. This can be both good and bad. When someone asked me what my husband did in the Navy, my standard reply was, “He’s a sailor.” Over the years there has been a movement away from “officer/enlisted” spouse clubs and toward family support groups, and in my eyes, that is a good equalizer. The commanding officer’s spouse or partner and that of the most junior fireman can find themselves faced with the same issues and challenges and help each other find solutions.
3. Be your own person. In Newport I took a job with the Preservation Society, a patch of dark blue in a very blue state, while my husband was at the Navy War College. As you can imagine, especially during the Bush/Gore election in 2000, we bounced between two very different circles of friends—but it worked.
4. You are not alone. All ships have some version of a family support group and ombudsman, and over the years I have had positive and negative experiences with both. Overall, however, they are critical team members and a good venue to share ideas and build relationships. They are not venues to promote your spouse’s career—volunteer for them only if your motive is to be of assistance to others. There are many other areas—church or civic groups, for example—that can be a source of community and support.
5. Find your own passion. After working in several craft stores over the years, I was able to open my own business (a beading store) with the support of my husband, who put on a Hawaiian shirt after work and manned the cash register at my store, becoming better known to my customers as “Mr. Gu” the “bead guy,” than as a naval officer. That was fine with me, and with him as well. Your passion may be your family—that’s fine too.
6. Get smart on available resources. There are a wide range of classes offered bb the Fleet and Family Support Center, from resume building to childcare assistance. A recently announced program will refund costs from a recertification (teaching, real estate, etc.) when you relocate. The WIC program and financial counseling can be lifesavers as well. Your best bet is to get in the car and visit the center to find out what is available—these are especially important on deployment. You will find volunteers who are ready to show you the ropes.
7. Learn the ropes on health care. As I have stated before, I was generally satisfied with TRICARE, but you have to be your own best advocate. Using the hospital or TRICARE pharmacy is a huge money-saver (in exchange for some of your time!). The nurse line and mail-in pharmacy are relatively new conveniences, if you use them. Mental health counseling is now available without a referral, and there should be no hesitation to use it—I did—and found the Navy clinic to be extremely helpful and professional.
8. Understand the stresses of the job. Like it or not, you share your spouse with the Navy, and there will be times when that comes first. Sailors deploy, sometimes on short notice, and they never seem to come back when they are supposed to! E-mail is a double-edged sword; it can be a good means of communication, but it can be a distraction and is not always reliable (I recall one spouse who threatened to write the CNO when my husband’s ship cut off e-mail in the weeks before Operation Iraqi Freedom. At the time, they could not risk someone sharing anything that could give away war plans—but that fact was lost on her). They also stand duty in port (something I never quite understood, but whatever!) and get calls on nights and weekends; I used to joke when my husband’s Blackberry (dating us a bit!) went off with another emergency when something broke on a ship. “You build these ships out of steel, put them in saltwater, and then freak out when they rust or break. It’s like you never owned a boat!” There will also be stresses associated with fitness reports and evaluations, promotion boards, and new orders. Again, talk about them as long as the socks are on then move on. You may be your spouse’s stress relief, but that does not mean that you take it all on your shoulders.
9. Deployments suck. They just do. My sister-in-law shared that she has not spent a night apart from her husband in 20 years—something I cannot even imagine. Hopefully, the above tips will help mitigate some of the challenges associated with deployment. I also found that (if you can plan for it and find a way to afford it) a trip to visit the ship in an overseas port was worth it. I did this three times several years apart, and twice the ship actually pulled in and we had a few days together. One time, the schedule changed and I got a nice shopping/sightseeing trip with the other spouses! For me, it was worth it. With today’s deployments stretching to seven or eight months, this becomes even more of a potential consideration. It seems that the Navy has taken the stance that increasing deployments from six months to seven or more, or the new “back-to-back” strategy is no big deal; I disagree. For the family, an additional month or two is a huge difference as it adds even more uncertainty to an already stressful phase. A final point—you and your spouse may have very different expectations upon returning from deployment. I recall one spouse who showed up on the pier in a negligee and a fur coat, and took her husband home to a gourmet meal—then shared later that “he slung it down in 30 seconds like ship food, then fell asleep on the couch.” After 6 deployments, I can attest that this should not have been a surprise. (Hint: the negligee still comes in handy when he wakes up!).

There may come a time when career and family needs collide and decisions have to be made. One such situation is special needs that would qualify for the Exceptional Family Member (EFM) Program. When my husband, a department head, first inquired about putting me in the program, he got mixed advice. Most of his mentors recommended it, but almost all told him to expect negative career implications. They were wrong. We spent 20 years in the program and found that both detailers and placement officers respected the restrictions imposed by the EFM program and found good career-enhancing jobs that allowed us to stay with our health-care network. Many senior Navy personnel (mainly officers, but not always) are faced with a move to Washington as a “necessary” step on the promotion ladder. I watched many friends endure two years of their spouse making the drive from Norfolk to Washington every weekend, arriving tired on Friday night and leaving Sunday with chores undone, and I am not sure it would have been worth it for one more pay grade. Given the number of divorces we have seen in peers at the 20+ year point, many others seem to have felt the same way. Again, talk it through and look at the options.

There are areas that still represent challenges for the Navy: one is co-location of military spouses. While progress has been made in this area, we continue even today to meet former shipmates where one partner or the other had to leave the service to stay physically together, or make a choice about whose career to prioritize. There is work to be done here. Another is in providing childcare, especially for single parents or those on sea duty. In my opinion, these are areas where current Navy spouses could make a difference by making their voices heard, taking initiative, and joining together. What if a group of spouses came forward with a proposal to turn building C-9 on the Norfolk Navy Base into a childcare center, with a business plan and certification/hiring proposal? The space is there and waiting. The new policy to allow the Navy to repay spouses for certifications attained is evidence things changing , in part due to the voices of spouses joined together.

I have always taken a bit of offense at the term “dependent”—I have always felt that a Navy spouse must be anything but. Spouses and significant others come in all shapes, sizes, genders, and sexual orientations, but they share the same experiences of Navy life—the pain of separation, the joy of reunions, the stresses of moving (often by themselves). I am proud of our what we accomplished together, but I was pretty happy when my husband retired; shortly thereafter, we held a ritualistic “black sock burning” in the backyard fire pit—and I gave him a nice set of multicolored argyles to go with his new “uniform.”

At least they still match the brightly colored tie he is wearing!